Our
To engage in peaceful trade
with life forms from all galaxies
Department of Inter-Galactic Trade on Ofydd (DIGTO)
Pre-Trade Observation Initiative (Pretoi):
Destination, Earth
Reasons
for return visit to Earth
Since our last visit thirteen hundred years ago,
a remote inspection of life on Earth has revealed that human civilisations have
progressed significantly in the areas of trade and commerce. Indeed their
social and economic systems are at such a level that we feel that we soon may
be able to establish trading links with the inhabitants. There are raw
materials found on this planet, as well as certain Earthling-produced
commodities, which we feel would find a large market on our own planet of
Ofydd.*
For this reason we are sending a group of three
Observers to make an in-depth reconnaissance of an average Earthling place of
work, to see if we can learn more about how humans currently organise their
commercial and trading organisations. We also wish to discover more about the
thought processes of individual humans, which should help us to decide whether
we can risk establishing a relationship with a race which, on earlier visits,
has been distinguished by its selfishness, short-sightedness and violence. If
the Observers notice significant improvements in human organization and
behaviour, we hope to return to Earth in the near future and start trading with
the inhabitants.
Undercover
disguises
As Earthlings can be rather aggressive,
especially when they feel threatened, we have decided that, as in our many
previous missions, the observation initiative should take place under cover. To
this end and to escape detection the Research and Development department has
agreed to reduce the size of the exploratory space shuttle by a factor of 1.5
million and disguise it as a sparrow (a small inconspicuous flying creature
common on the planet and totally uninterested in commerce of any kind. )
The
disguised space ship
Our Observers will also shrink in size and will
adopt the appearance of small parasites called head lice, which live on the
human scalp. (Unfortunately lice are not popular with their human hosts so detection
is likely to lead to their removal and hence the instant termination of the
mission.) Once in place, the three Observers will operate their thought-probes
with the objective of gaining a clear picture of how the human brain functions
in a work environment.
They will transmit twelve reports in the local
language (in this case English) directly to our listening station situated on
the mother ship. This craft will circle the planet for an entire Earth year,
and it is there that the messages from the Observers will be translated into
Offydian and forwarded to our home planet. The Observers on this mission have
been advised to proceed with the utmost caution.
Signed: Pretoi Destination Committee.
*Some examples
of products which may find a market in Offyd:
black pepper: an
organic substance which, if added to prylsop juice and applied with a soft
cloth, makes scales turn a beautiful shade of purple.
toothpaste: a smooth
creamy substance our scientists say will be particularly useful for the
lubrication of the moving parts of our
spaceships’ entertainment systems.
lead pencils: wooden
sticks with graphite inside, which if inserted into our ventilation orifices glow attractively. We
think they would quickly become a “must-have” adornment among younger
Ofyddians.
honey: an organic substance
widely eaten by Earthers, which if ingested by an Offydian produces a pleasant
feeling of intoxication. No harmful side-effects identified.
matches: a remarkable invention by
which ordinary people can create fire! It is hard to believe that such an
under-developed species should stumble upon something so ingenious. No more
having to pay taxes to the guardians of the eternal flame on
live sponges:
ocean-based life-forms. Would make remarkably low-maintenance, affectionate,
pets for our young.
Selection
of location and subjects
We, the three members of the Pretoi-Earth team,
have chosen for our study a medium-sized organisation on an island just off the
European continent, from which we have selected three employees to act as
subjects. Though there is a very wide variation in the form and scale of
economic and commercial activity on Earth, pre-studies reveal that PITS
(Professional Information Technology Services) is a fairly typical terrestrial
organisation, and the humans making it up are representative of those in other
parts of the world. (What humans buy from and sell to each other varies
greatly, but the basic process is pretty standard regardless of geography.)
We have adapted standard procedures to suit the
peculiarities of the solar system and will remain in place for exactly one
Earth year, returning to the mother-ship from a place to be determined at a
later date. We will each provide DIGTO
(Dept of Inter-Galactic Trade on Ofydd) with regular observations on the
activities of our selected human subjects, as well as more general comments on
the ways Earthlings currently conduct their commercial and trading activities.
We hope the information will be useful in future policy-making decisions.
Signed: 
Observers Guto, Mallt and Glaw in Earth disguises
as head lice